BigZeroLittleZero

Thanks to Lenny for this instant classic. Amen!! - tj

PARENT- Job Description 

POSITION : 

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma 

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop 

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, Often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to 

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. 

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wol f. 

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. 

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this!   You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them 

become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. 

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'  So he tied her up and went golfing.                                              *****************************************                                                  Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.   ********************************************     A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters  'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'  'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'     *********************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'  'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.           ******************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'                                               *************************************************************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

Thanks to Debra for this fun one. - tj

Subject: The Book of Corporate Life, Chapter 11, Verses 1-15:
 
 Today's reading is from the Book of Corporate  Life,  Chapter 11, Verses 1-15:
 
 1.  In the beginning  was the Plan.
 
 2.  And then came the Assumptions.
 
 3.  And the Assumptions were  without form.
 
 4.  And the Plan was without Substance.
 
 5.  And darkness was upon  the face of the Workers.
 
 6.  And  Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of  ?hit and
 it  stinks."
 
 7.  And Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It  is a crock of dung
 and we cannot live with the smell."
 
 8. And Supervisors  went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of
 organic waste, and it is  very strong, such that none may abide by it."
 
 9.  And Managers went  unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of
 fertilizer, and none may abide  its strength."
 
 10. And Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another; "It 
 contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
 
 11. And  Directors went to Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes
 growth, and it  is very powerful."
 
 12. And Vice Presidents went to the President, saying  unto him "It has very
 powerful effects."
 
 13. And the President looked  upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
 
 14. And the Plan became  Policy.
 
 15. And that is how  ?hit happens.
 

For the golfers out there. - tj

Very fun. Thanks to Keith for sharing this. (In case you were curious about the dearth of emails from me, I was on vacation until tonight. Glad to be back.) - tj

Q: What happens if you dig straight down?

A: You'll pop out the other side of the world.

Q: What's on the other side of the world?

A: Ummm... China!

Countless children (and adults) have wondered where they would end up if they started digging straight down (ignoring the material and methods). Now we have the answer! Most of the planet is covered in water, so most diggers will dig into some ocean or another. What little land there is is generally not opposite other land. Some of South America and Asia, for instance, are opposite each other, but most Americans will swim in the Indian Ocean.

Drag the map and the other map will show you where you end up. If you double click somewhere on the map it'll zoom in to where you double-clicked.  If you dig straight down from here:  http://www.ubasics.com/dighole/