Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Worst groaners of the year - YDG
If you like really really bad puns, this bit's for you. Some of these are really clever and some are just painful.... -- tj
________________________________
Here are the groaners of the Year!
________________________________
Here are the groaners of the Year!
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Monday, January 30, 2006
NFC Hot Dog on ebay - what will they auction off next!!
Amazing. Thanks to Roger for pointing out this great commemorative Seattle Seahawks opportunity. Currently a steal on eBay for a mere $7100. Go, Hawks!!-- tj
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http://cgi.ebay.com/Seattle-Seahawks-SUPER-DOG-NFC-Championship-hot-dog_W0QQitemZ5659617304QQcategoryZ1467QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Signs of the times - part 2
Signs of the times - part 1
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
One more, just for you hard core types
OK, this is not a Mensa test, but it is an IQ test (remember those from elementary or middle school?
Here goes -- from that same guy who I got the other two from. I promise - this will be the last one:
http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/tests/classical_iq_r2_access.html
60 questions. When done, it will give you your IQ score. Annoyingly it won't tell you which ones you got right unless you pay for the results -- just your score on that 0 - 180 point IQ scale (where 100 means you are the mathematical mean score -- or average for the general population).
Good luck. -- tj
Here goes -- from that same guy who I got the other two from. I promise - this will be the last one:
http://psychologytoday.psychtests.com/tests/classical_iq_r2_access.html
60 questions. When done, it will give you your IQ score. Annoyingly it won't tell you which ones you got right unless you pay for the results -- just your score on that 0 - 180 point IQ scale (where 100 means you are the mathematical mean score -- or average for the general population).
Good luck. -- tj
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
One more Mensa test, for those of you still game to try one more time
OK, now I am really pissed. The same dude that sent me the Mensa test the other day (congratulations to Pam who scored 27 to prove she is the smartest woman in the world, or at least in her housing development), sent me this one -- even harder Mensa test. I know, I know, I am just as annoyed as you are.
So here you go (one last time): http://www.mensa.org/workout2.php
Try to get as many out of 30 correct in 30 minutes. (Pam and John, the score to beat is 27, but I have to confess, it took me closer to 36 minutes. I am sure you have it in you,...)
tj
So here you go (one last time): http://www.mensa.org/workout2.php
Try to get as many out of 30 correct in 30 minutes. (Pam and John, the score to beat is 27, but I have to confess, it took me closer to 36 minutes. I am sure you have it in you,...)
tj
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Who's on First - updated - YDG
The famous Abbot and Costello comedy routine about "Who's on First" - updated to modern times. Very clever bit! -- tj
---------------------------------------------------------
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
=====================================
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
???????? (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
---------------------------------------------------------
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
=====================================
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
???????? (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
Friday, January 20, 2006
A movie that has been running since 2001 .............
You knew it was going to happen. Sorry, but I just could not resist.... Please excuse the poor taste..... tj
---------------------------
A LOVE STORY!
A story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two cowboys and their lives over the years.
DumbFuck Mountain
---------------------------
A LOVE STORY!
A story about a forbidden and secretive relationship between two cowboys and their lives over the years.
DumbFuck Mountain
Are you a Mensa Candidate? Take this test to find out
OK, John, Dale, Marcus, Jeff, Betsy and Pam,
I know how you can't resist these things. This is really hard. OK, some are easy but some are brutal. How many can you figure out? I spent about 20 minutes and got 23 out of 33 and then my brain just hurt too much to go on. The scoring is on the bottom. Good luck. This was really frustrating after awhile. -- tj
http://www.mensa-test.com/
I know how you can't resist these things. This is really hard. OK, some are easy but some are brutal. How many can you figure out? I spent about 20 minutes and got 23 out of 33 and then my brain just hurt too much to go on. The scoring is on the bottom. Good luck. This was really frustrating after awhile. -- tj
http://www.mensa-test.com/
Thursday, January 19, 2006
A Biker's Wish - YDG
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of some thing that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of some thing that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Red Skelton's Recipe for the perfect marriage
Could have been written by Henny Youngman, but supposedly these are attributable to Red Skelton. -- tj
____________________________________
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
____________________________________
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Cows - YDG
This is an updated variation on a bit that's been around for a few years. Scroll down to see the newer entries to this bit. Pretty a-moo-sing, I thought. -- tj
________________________________________
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
________________________________________
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Friday, January 13, 2006
George Bush Is A Saint
With apologies to Matt,... this one sent in from guess who...... -- tj
-------------------------------------
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign.
Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.
But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
-------------------------------------
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign.
Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.
But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
The Colorado Rancher ... YDG
This one from Sandy! : ) -- tj
----------------------------------
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a fairly young and attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go intotown and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, drinking a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of thefire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
----------------------------------
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a fairly young and attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go intotown and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, drinking a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of thefire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Golf Test
I got 16 vs. a par of 22. Beat that, I say!! Thanks to Matt for sending this around. -- tj (Mat, it's now 5-4 - you're on a roll...)
------------------------------------------------------
GOLF............................
If you select a wrong answer, the ball stops and you are charged with one stroke. Select the right answer and the ball continues to the hole.
CLICK HERE
http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm
------------------------------------------------------
GOLF............................
If you select a wrong answer, the ball stops and you are charged with one stroke. Select the right answer and the ball continues to the hole.
CLICK HERE
http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Thank you for the emails in 2005
From Dale. I can relate! -- tj
---------------------------------
THANK YOU FOR THE E-MAILS IN 2005!
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
YES... I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!
---------------------------------
THANK YOU FOR THE E-MAILS IN 2005!
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
YES... I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!
Monday, January 09, 2006
RETURNED ABRAMOFF DONATIONS ERASE NATIONAL DEBT
This just in - from Dale. Thought you should know about this wonderful news!! -- tj
----------------------------
RETURNED ABRAMOFF DONATIONS ERASE NATIONAL DEBT
Lawmakers Scramble To Shed Trillions in Tainted Cash
Politicians in Washington hurried today to dump trillions of dollars worth of campaign donations from disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, giving the money to the Treasury Department and all but wiping out the national debt.
Congressmen, senators, and other politicians lined up around the block outside the Treasury building to give back their Abramoff riches, many of them carting piles of hundred-dollar bills in wheelbarrows.
“We are processing the Abramoff money as quickly as we can,” said Donna LeBrock, a window teller at the Treasury Department. “There’s just so much more of it than we ever imagined.”
The unexpected windfall of tainted cash means that the national debt, long considered an albatross on the U.S. economy, has all but vanished for the first time in the nation’s history.
At a press conference at the White House, President Bush said that the sudden influx of returned donations from the disgraced lobbyist was proof that his economic policies were working.
“Our program of receiving tainted political donations and then hurriedly returning them is finally paying off for the American people,” Mr. Bush told reporters.
At the Department of Health and Human Services, a spokesman said that some of the newly returned Abramoff cash would go to treat an epidemic of amnesia among politicians in Washington, many of whom can no longer remember meeting, speaking to, or having dinner with Jack Abramoff.
Elsewhere, a marine who was arrested for not going to Vietnam forty years ago is expected to plead insanity, claiming that he was under the delusion that he was Vice President of the United States.
----------------------------
RETURNED ABRAMOFF DONATIONS ERASE NATIONAL DEBT
Lawmakers Scramble To Shed Trillions in Tainted Cash
Politicians in Washington hurried today to dump trillions of dollars worth of campaign donations from disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, giving the money to the Treasury Department and all but wiping out the national debt.
Congressmen, senators, and other politicians lined up around the block outside the Treasury building to give back their Abramoff riches, many of them carting piles of hundred-dollar bills in wheelbarrows.
“We are processing the Abramoff money as quickly as we can,” said Donna LeBrock, a window teller at the Treasury Department. “There’s just so much more of it than we ever imagined.”
The unexpected windfall of tainted cash means that the national debt, long considered an albatross on the U.S. economy, has all but vanished for the first time in the nation’s history.
At a press conference at the White House, President Bush said that the sudden influx of returned donations from the disgraced lobbyist was proof that his economic policies were working.
“Our program of receiving tainted political donations and then hurriedly returning them is finally paying off for the American people,” Mr. Bush told reporters.
At the Department of Health and Human Services, a spokesman said that some of the newly returned Abramoff cash would go to treat an epidemic of amnesia among politicians in Washington, many of whom can no longer remember meeting, speaking to, or having dinner with Jack Abramoff.
Elsewhere, a marine who was arrested for not going to Vietnam forty years ago is expected to plead insanity, claiming that he was under the delusion that he was Vice President of the United States.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
God Uses regular people
Very sweet story. Makes you continue to have faith that there are a lot of good people in the world..... - tj
________________________________
This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician.
I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends:
I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5:00, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over.
Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.
At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now.
So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."
I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little.
She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.
I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?"
This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem.
I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.
________________________________
This was written by a Hospice of Metro Denver physician.
I just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and wanted to share it with my family and dearest friends:
I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5:00, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over.
Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the "quickie mart" building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.
At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying "I don't want my kids to see me crying," so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now.
So I asked, "And you were praying?" That made her back away from me a little but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, "He heard you, and He sent me."
I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little.
She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City. Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.
I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, "So, are you like an angel or something?"
This definitely made me cry. I said, "Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people." It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem.
I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
YANKEE or REBEL - fun quiz on words and pronunciations
Kind of fun test. I came out Yankee, but not by as much as I would have thought. Thanks to Matt for passing this one along. - tj
YANKEE or REBEL - take the test at http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html
YANKEE or REBEL - take the test at http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Darwin Awards 2005
OK, some things are a tradition so I had to send this annual thing around..... Thanks to Matt for sending me this. I have no idea if any of these are true. Let's hope not. -- tj
________________________________________
Darwin Awards 2005
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. ... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
________________________________________
Darwin Awards 2005
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. ... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Famous Quotations
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." - George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce." - Mark Twain
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."- Jimmy Durante
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." - Jilly Cooper
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Ed Furgol
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." - Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman
"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position." - Mark Twain
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up." - Joe Namath
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." - Herbert Henry Asquith
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - WC. Fields
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out." - Unknown
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."- Billy Crystal
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." - George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce." - Mark Twain
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."- Jimmy Durante
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." - Jilly Cooper
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Ed Furgol
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." - Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman
"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position." - Mark Twain
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up." - Joe Namath
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." - Herbert Henry Asquith
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - WC. Fields
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out." - Unknown
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."- Billy Crystal
