Friday, December 23, 2005
Men & women and apples & grapes - YDG
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Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now, Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Retirement Test - YDG
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You know it’s time to retire when you identify 6 or more items in 2005.
1974: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
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1974: KEG
2005: EKG
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1974: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
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1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to California because it's warm
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1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
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1974: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
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1974: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
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1974: The Grateful Dead
2005: Dr. Kavorkian
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1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
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1974: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
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1974: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
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1974: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
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1974: Disco
2005: Costco
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1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
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1974: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
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1974: Whatever
2005: Depends
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Bobbitt Family Update
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In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
A Misdewiener!
OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Interesting facts about all sorts of things
________________________________
The Statue of Liberty’s index finger is eight feet long.
Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile.
Footprints left on the moon by astronauts will remain visible for at least ten million years.
A person living to age 75 will have slept about 220,000 hours, or about 23 years.
A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight.
They have square watermelons in Japan. They’re grown in boxes to make them stack better.
A drivable sofa? Features include a pizza pan steer wheel; cola can brake pedal, and a coffee table.
There are as many chickens on this planet as humans.
Mel Blanc, the man who played the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
The word "set" has the highest number of separate definitions in the English language: 192.
Slugs have four noses.
"Ough" can be pronounced eight different ways in the English language.
Sharks can live up to hundred years.
Mosquitoes are attracted to the blue twice as much as any other color.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
Kangaroos can’t walk backwards.
You would need 14,826 billion fireflies to generate as much light as the sun produces.
An underground mushroom in Oregon is 3.5 miles across and covers an area larger that 1,600 football fields.
A snail could crawl along the edge of a razor without getting cut because it produces a sticky liquid that forms a protected coating under its body.
Tigers have striped skin not just stripped fur.
The California state flag was originally supposed to feature a pear, not a bear.
A Kangaroo can’t jump unless its tail is touching the ground.
Fish can’t blink because they don’t have eyelids.
Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital.
Approximately 75 acres of pizza are consumed in the Untied States every day.
There aren’t any billboards in the state of Vermont.
"Sneaker" was first used to describe a rubber-soled tennis in 1873.
It’s supposedly impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The largest recorded snowflake-15inches wide and 8 inches thick- fell in Montana in 1887.
The tip of a bullwhip moves up to 90 feet that the sound it makes is a tiny sonic boom.
An elephant will extract its own infected tooth using tree branches and sharp rocks as tools.
Is it bedtime yet? A day on Venus is equal to 243 Earth days.
Former US President Bill Clinton sent only 2 e-mails in his entire 8-year presidency.
Koalas are the only animals besides humans and other primates that have fingerprints.
A fly flies slower when the sun is behind the clouds than when it’s sunny.
The Sahara Dessert in Africa is approximately the same size as the U.S.A.
The ski-doo snowmobile was originally supposed to be called the ski-dog; there was a typo.
Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds.
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
With 200 million insects for every human, it’s a good thing there are millions of bug-loving birds and bats.
It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery that celery has in it to begin with.
The last record for cramming people into a Volks Wagon Beetle was made in the year 2000 by 25 Austrians.
Starfish have multiple eyes, one at the end of each leg.
The world’s largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students enrolled in 2002.
An octopus has three hearts.
There is about ¼ pound of salt in each galloon of seawater.
Elephants purr like cats do, as a means of communication.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
The Tandem Writing Assignment - YDG
________________________________
The following was submitted by an English professor at American University:
"Today we will experiment with a new form of writing called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary.
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STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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(Gary)
Little did she know that she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 285 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
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(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
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(Rebecca)
Asshole.
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(Gary)
Bitch.
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(Rebecca)
Get fucked.
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(Gary)
Eat shit.
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(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
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(Gary)
Go drink some tea, whore.
******************************************************
(Teacher)
Grade: A+ I really liked this one.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Security Levels Raised throughout Europe
___________________________
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed"to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
Friday, December 16, 2005
The Company Holiday Party - YDG
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Subject: Office Party
December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to singalong. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of AlcoholicsAnonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AAOnly," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from thedessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to playSanta Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces
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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians, I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the tablefarthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad baronly, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings,too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearingthem right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday.Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery fromher stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her atthe sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Hanukkah updated...In case you've been confused in the past...
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
A survey from god - YDG
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A survey from God
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (e.g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To tick off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock &Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________
6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer:
___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Holiday cartoons
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
One-Question IQ Test
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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
( I've got mine shutting down right now )
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Guess the Christmas Song
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Guess The Christmas Song
Try to guess the real names of these Christmas songs:
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
21. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
23. May the deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
24. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as a hallucinatory phenomenom for me
25. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals
26. Tranquility upon the terrestrial sphere
27. Have hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their belief of Christmas
Answers
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas
21. We Wish You A Merry Christmas
22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
23. God Rest You Merry Gentlemen
24. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
25. Frosty the Snowman
26. Peace on Earth
27. Oh Come, All Ye Faithful
Monday, December 05, 2005
How to select intelligent staffers
---------------------------------
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Will Ferrell as George Bush on Global Warming
-- tj
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http://www.devilducky.com/media/38792/
Friday, December 02, 2005
Smash the penguin - silly time waster
Try it out and see if you can top my score of 323.5. (I dare you Mark, I just dare you!!!)
Here are the instructions:
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
Click to make the penguin jump and then, click again in time to make the polar bear swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice!
Writings from hospital charts - YDG
-------------------------------
Actual Writings from hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: patient here recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities!
