BigZeroLittleZero

Here is something to chuckle about for world travelers.Collected by Air
France  crew members
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TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

BUCHAREST HOTEL: The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.

ATHENS HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

MOSCOW HOTEL:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

SWISS MENU:  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

POLISH MENU: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS:  Drop your trousers here for best results.

PARIS DRESS SHOP:  Dresses for street walking.

RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summer suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

SOVIET NEWSPAPER: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Art by 16,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two years.

GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

HONG KONG AD:  Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

CZECH TOURIST AGENCY:  Take one of our horse-driven city tours.  We guarantee no miscarriages.

SWISS MOUNTAIN INN:  Special today - no ice cream.

COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE:  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.

NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.

ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

JAPANESE HOTEL: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle  the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

MAJORCAN SHOP: English well talking.  Here speeching American. Collected by Air France Crewmembers around the globe.

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!!!  -- tj

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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004  

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 
 
P.S. Sure is hot down here! 

If you remember Jackie Mason from your childhood, you may get a kick out of this (even if this isn't really from Jackie Mason -- it is sure written in his delivery style). Thanks to Sandy for passing this one along. -- tj

Subject: Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee. I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, and have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they're finished."

Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.

And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about it.

If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot." But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special bean from Argentina....."

The bean is in your head! I know burnt! You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.

Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. 40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it.

But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50.

You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty, two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00.

And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools.

You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two.
Seventy-three-year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was?

In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.

It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much!

Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's?
Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here."

Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese?

"The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips."

You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?

Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.

They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbuck's. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half. Starbuck's can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, %$#%^&*.

And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.