Monday, July 31, 2006
This just in: MAN IN COMA FOR NINETEEN YEARS ASKS TO GO BACK TO SLEEP
I don't make this stuff up. Honest. It's Dale that makes this stuff up....... I am just the reporter. I felt you needed to know.... -- tj
--------------------------------
BOROWITZ REPORT
July 14, 2006
Breaking News
MAN IN COMA FOR NINETEEN YEARS ASKS TO GO BACK TO SLEEP
Bush Administration, Paris Hilton Top Coma Man's Concerns
In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a nineteen-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.
At a press conference in Jacksonville, Florida today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, "But then I turned on the TV."
Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.
"I was happy at first, because I thought, well good, 'Saturday Night Live' is still on and that's my favorite show," he said. "Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House and I became very depressed."
After hearing the President field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit "couldn't take it anymore."
Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show "The Simple Life."
"That was really the straw that broke the camel's back," he said. "I don't want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that."
Mr. Deloit's doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: "Millions of other people would want the same thing."
Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."
--------------------------------
BOROWITZ REPORT
July 14, 2006
Breaking News
MAN IN COMA FOR NINETEEN YEARS ASKS TO GO BACK TO SLEEP
Bush Administration, Paris Hilton Top Coma Man's Concerns
In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a nineteen-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.
At a press conference in Jacksonville, Florida today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, "But then I turned on the TV."
Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.
"I was happy at first, because I thought, well good, 'Saturday Night Live' is still on and that's my favorite show," he said. "Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House and I became very depressed."
After hearing the President field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit "couldn't take it anymore."
Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show "The Simple Life."
"That was really the straw that broke the camel's back," he said. "I don't want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that."
Mr. Deloit's doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: "Millions of other people would want the same thing."
Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans' wireless phones, explaining, "It'll be easy, since we're already on the line listening in."
Friday, July 28, 2006
Okay folks,THIS was what a bad job is really like.
Don't like your job. Read this person's description about their job and you may not whine quite so much afterwards.... This web site actually has lots of "boss from hell" stories. This is just one of them. -- tj
http://www.workingamerica.org/badboss/index.cfm?appState=detail&story_id=1175
http://www.workingamerica.org/badboss/index.cfm?appState=detail&story_id=1175
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Idle thoughts - YDG
Some interesting observations below. - tj
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above average drivers.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above average drivers.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Advice for us husbands from a loving, caring husband
What an inspiring story of love and devotion. This guy in the story is a true saint. Thanks for Jim for passing along this heartfelt story of love and understanding of one man for his aging wife. -- tj
________________________________
Ron's Story
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to Show
her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed, Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
________________________________
Ron's Story
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to Show
her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed, Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
The Confession - YDG
one more - from Matt..... -- tj
----------------------------------------
An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
----------------------------------------
An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Per snopes, this is true . . . about placing 411/information calls
My good friend, Pam, who does not like my new haircut (but that's another story for another time) forwarded this helpful heads up my way and says she verified its accuracy with Snopes.com, so I feel safe in forwarding this to you.
Thanks, Pam, for the helpful tip. And about my haircut, what exactly do you not like about my Mohawk anyway....? -- tj
------------------------------------------------------
Hi Friends,
Phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls.
When you need to use 411, simply dial 1 800 FREE 411 or 1 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call if you are using a cell phone.
This is information people don't mind receiving, let people know!!!
Thanks, Pam, for the helpful tip. And about my haircut, what exactly do you not like about my Mohawk anyway....? -- tj
------------------------------------------------------
Hi Friends,
Phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls.
When you need to use 411, simply dial 1 800 FREE 411 or 1 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call if you are using a cell phone.
This is information people don't mind receiving, let people know!!!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Living Will - YDG
While I was watching the Final Four playoff games, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Man, sometimes it's tough being married.
Anonymous
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Man, sometimes it's tough being married.
Anonymous
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The Mistress - YDG
Today's Daily Giggle -- tj
------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw", says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband." "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes or Beamers in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says the husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw", says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband." "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes or Beamers in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says the husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Proof that dogs can read...
Monday, July 03, 2006
A thinking problem - YDG
Kind of creative. My favorite line is the last sentence. -- tj
--------------------------------------------------
The Dangers of Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking becamemore and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today - a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I made the final step. I registered to vote as a Republican.
--------------------------------------------------
The Dangers of Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking becamemore and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today - a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I made the final step. I registered to vote as a Republican.
