Sunday, February 26, 2006
What was the #1 song in the U.S.A the day you were born?
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What was the #1 song in the U.S.A the day you were born?
https://home.comcast.net/%7Ejosh.hosler/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm
Friday, February 24, 2006
A story written by my boss's 4-year old daughter: Spaceship To The Park
Just click on the link below and be sure to have your speakers on. The
voice you will hear is that of Jessica.
http://home.earthlink.net/~lbrodie/jessica/SpaceshipToThePark.html
-- tj
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Perhaps the worst job in the world? - YDG
OK, I should warn you, towards the end, there is some serious profanity - serious profanity. But this still is to me one hysterically funny bit, which you need to watch to the very end to understand why....
Dale, you've hit both a new low and a new high at the same time with this one.... -- tj
http://home.comcast.net/~keithweinberger/wsb/media/Production.wmv
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Slightly twisted Cartoons, Act 2 - YDG
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Cinderella...years later - YDG
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world
go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an
exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your
heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful but
not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I
wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension". Instantly her rocking chair turned
into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do
you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage turned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke
once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young
man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the
likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother
was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat
transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular
arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered................................
BET YOU'RE SORRY YOU NEUTERED ME.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Men can too multitask!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Medical Testing Lab results - YDG
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Smith at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Friday, February 17, 2006
Slightly twisted Cartoons - YDG
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Surprise guest at the Jeff Foxworthy roast
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http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Cheney Jokes - YDG
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LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Television talk shows took aim Monday at Vice President Dick Cheney's accidental weekend shooting in Texas of a hunting companion. Here are a few of the jokes.
"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS
· "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located a weapon of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."
· "But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."
· "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
· "The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC
· "Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."
· "That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, once people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."
· "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "
· "Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central
· The show's segment titles included "Cheney's Got a Gun," "No. 2 With a Bullet" and "Dead-Eye Dick."
· "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
· "Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it."
"Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS
· "He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right."
· "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.' "
· "The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."
· "Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."
Monday, February 13, 2006
Golf Test
If you select a wrong answer, the ball stops and you are charged with one stroke. Select the right answer and the ball continues to the hole. -- tj
CLICK HERE:
http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm
Sunday, February 12, 2006
An extraordinary sermon
http://home.comcast.net/~keithweinberger/wsb/media/12-4-05-triumph-of-evil-dw.pdf
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Birdie golf
http://home.comcast.net/~keithweinberger/wsb/media/BIRDIE.WMV
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Your Gasoline Purchases at Work
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AN ENGINEERING MASTERPIECE
During the construction phase......
Dubai , United Arab Emirates
All finished. Notice the palm trees outside..........
Remember, this is in the middle of the desert.... The very HOT desert where temper atures get up to 120 degrees.....
Unbelievable!
But true..... The INSIDE view:
Why is gasoline $2.39 a gallon for regular unleaded?????? Supply and demand??? That must be it.... we want them to supply us with the oil and they demand that we pay the price!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Great questions to ponder - YDG
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1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Neologisms - YDG
But some of these are truly clever and perhaps worth a second glance. - tj
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ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Super Bowl shocker - Steelers win is a victory in the war on Terror
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The Borowitz Report
2006 -- Breaking News
BUSH CALLS SUPER BOWL A VICTORY IN WAR ON TERROR
Claims Link Between Seattle QB and al-Qaeda
Moments after the Pittsburgh Steelers sealed their 21-10 victory over the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XL, President George W. Bush appeared on national television to call the Steelers' win "a great victory in the war on terror."
Mr. Bush said that the victory was a serious blow to Islamic terrorism because there was "credible intelligence" linking the Seahawks' quarterback to al-Qaeda.
The President said that a series of warrantless wiretaps conducted by the National Security Agency had revealed "troubling information" about Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. Additionally, during the game itself the NSA intercepted several radio communications between the Seahawks' offensive coordinator and Hasselbeck's helmet.
"We were able to identify Matt Hasselbeck as the number three man in al-Qaeda," Mr. Bush said. "And now he has been destroyed."
Reached in the Seahawks locker room after the game, Mr. Hasselback commented, "Well, I'm a little down, yeah, but I wouldn't say I was destroyed."
In Washington, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) expressed skepticism about Mr. Bush's claim that the Steelers' Super Bowl win represented a major victory in the war on terror. "I know the President is looking high and low for a shred of good news these days, but even for him this seems like kind of a reach," Mr. Biden said.
Asked to react to Mr. Biden's comments, Mr. Bush said he was "not surprised," adding, "That's just the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from the number five man in al-Qaeda."
Elsewhere, scientists discovered a crevice one mile deep in the face of Mick
Jagger.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Super Bowl Fan - YDG
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A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes theseat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides totake a chance and makes his way through the stadium and aroundthe security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asksthe gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sittinghere?" The man replies no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at theSuper Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since wegot married in 1967."
"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you findsomeone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Tonight Show - Photo Booth humor bit
http://www.youtube.com/player.swf?video_id=vEWLwz6JRNE&l=357&s=B4BC767524043
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Ground Hog Day - YDG
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This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out:"It is an ironic juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication.The other involves a groundhog."
