BigZeroLittleZero

This is truly a lovely, albeit a bit sappy story about a man and an elephant. I am sure there is a lovely moral to it, but I am not quite sure what it would be.  Have a Kleenex nearby. It will move you to tears. - tj

Thanks to Deb S for passing along this great Dear Abby letter. The avid golfers on this list can surely appreciate this man's concerns. - tj

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really  need your advice.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.  The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer,  the caller hangs up. 

My wife has been going out with "the girls" a  lot recently although when  I ask their names she always says, "Just some   friends from work, you don't  know them."  I always try to stay awake to look out for her  coming home, but I  usually fall asleep. 

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with  my wife. I think deep  down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last  night she went out  again and I decided to really check on her.  Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage  behind my golf clubs so  I could get a good view of the whole street when  she arrived home from a  night out with "the girls". 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my  clubs, that I noticed that  the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by  the club head. 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I  take it back to the pro  shop where I bought it? 

If you remember Jackie Mason from your childhood, you may get a kick out of this (even if this isn't really from Jackie Mason -- it is sure written in his delivery style). Thanks to Sandy for passing this one along. -- tj

Subject: Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee. I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, and have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they're finished."

Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.

And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about it.

If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot." But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special bean from Argentina....."

The bean is in your head! I know burnt! You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.

Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. 40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it.

But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50.

You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty, two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00.

And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools.

You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two.
Seventy-three-year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was?

In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.

It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much!

Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's?
Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here."

Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese?

"The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips."

You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?

Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.

They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbuck's. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half. Starbuck's can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, %$#%^&*.

And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.

This is about 5 – 6 minutes long and is informative, eye-opening, depressing, and stupefying (assuming the facts it spouts out in this PPT presentation are to be believed).

http://www.glumbert.com/media/shift

I have no idea about the veracity of the predictions and estimates made in this video slide show. They quote no source, so much of this could be simply made up. But if it’s not, then there are some pretty sobering statistics about how the world is changing at an ever mind-numbingly accelerated pace.

Thanks to Debra for this great piece of marital advice. - tj

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

 

You gotta love the Irish...
 
Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence....
                       
"Fooking stop doing it then!"

 

OK, one more from the “married too long” stack. This one from Sandy! - tj

This just in. Amazing, but true. Thanks to Dale for passing along this important news bulletin. – tj ;  )

I found this rather clever. Thanks to El for passing this bit my way. - tj

Think we don't have enough nuclear warheads in our arsenal? Take a quick look at this very short video that makes the point with an interesting visual demonstration. From the looks of this demonstration, I am thinking that perhaps we have a few more than we actually need, but that's just my opinion. – tj

http://www.benjerry.com/americanpie/bens_bb.cfm

A sappy story but a sweet one. - tj