Friday, March 31, 2006
How Smart is your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. -- tj
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1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction. I told you so.....And there's nothing you can do about it
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1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction. I told you so.....And there's nothing you can do about it
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Four Parachutes
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
Sad but true...... --tj
---------------------------------------
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
---------------------------------------
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
2 whales - YDG
This is really really bad. But I could not resist. -- tj
-----------------------------------
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!
-----------------------------------
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!
Friday, March 24, 2006
A great way to get through automated phone trees - from personal experience
Today I had to call up five different credit card institutions and/or retailers to cancel credit cards I no longer was using. In every case, I got confronted by one of those obnoxious automated phone trees where you have to wade through level after level after level and they do everything in their power to BLOCK you from talking to a live customer service person. So after the first extremely annoying experience of keying in my account information and phone number and last four digits of my social security number, etc. and having to sit through menu after menu without hearing any options for talking to a live customer service person, I tried something that I wanted to pass along to others, as it got me through to a live person almost instantly in four out of five times that I tried it.
This is not a "copy and paste" of some SPAM email I received. This is something that I, tj, personally tried and it worked amazingly well so I thought you might like to know about it.
To get to a live person, just press "0" -- no matter WHAT the system response is. Typically when I did this initially I would get yet another automated response like "I'm sorry, we did not get the information you provided. Please input it again..." Then I pressed "0" again. Sometimes I had to do this up to five times but in 4 of the 5 calls I made to the various financial institutions, doing the "0" each time I got an automated phone prompt eventually got me to a live person. The longest it took me in any of these calls was about 45 seconds. It seems that if you keep responding to each automated phone tree prompt with "0", eventually the system gives up and concludes "I don't know what to do with this call" and dumps you over to a live person.
I can't guarantee this will work for you every time, but it sure worked often enough that I thought I would share this with others. Pass this along.
tj
This is not a "copy and paste" of some SPAM email I received. This is something that I, tj, personally tried and it worked amazingly well so I thought you might like to know about it.
To get to a live person, just press "0" -- no matter WHAT the system response is. Typically when I did this initially I would get yet another automated response like "I'm sorry, we did not get the information you provided. Please input it again..." Then I pressed "0" again. Sometimes I had to do this up to five times but in 4 of the 5 calls I made to the various financial institutions, doing the "0" each time I got an automated phone prompt eventually got me to a live person. The longest it took me in any of these calls was about 45 seconds. It seems that if you keep responding to each automated phone tree prompt with "0", eventually the system gives up and concludes "I don't know what to do with this call" and dumps you over to a live person.
I can't guarantee this will work for you every time, but it sure worked often enough that I thought I would share this with others. Pass this along.
tj
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The Cell Phone - YDG
Sent to me by Mark. Pretty good one, I thought. -- tj
-------------------------
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
-------------------------
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
More Eric Grohe - Liberty Remembers
Before
After - hard to believe you're looking at a flat 2-dimensional wall
After - hard to believe you're looking at a flat 2-dimensional wall
Friday, March 17, 2006
Happy St. Patrick's Day
Well, it IS St. Patrick's Day after all...... -- tj
----------------------------
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
----------------------------
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Thursday, March 16, 2006
A world of balance - YDG
Being from Washington state now, I particularly enjoy this one. -- tj
-----------------------
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...Wait until you see the idiots I put there."
-----------------------
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...Wait until you see the idiots I put there."
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Turning water into beer in Norway
Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction..... -- tj
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Woman Gets Beer From Her Kitchen Faucet
OSLO, Norway -- It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.
Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.
By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment "We had settled down for a cozy Saturday evening, had a nice dinner, and I was just going to clean up a little," Gundersen, 50, told The Associated Press by telephone Monday. "I turned on the kitchen faucet and beer came out."
However, Gundersen said the beer was flat and not tempting, even in a country where a half-liter (pint) can cost about 25 kroner ($3.75) in grocery stores.
Per Egil Myrvang, of the local beer distributor, said he helped bartenders reconnect the pipes by telephone.
"The water and beer pipes do touch each other, but you have to be really creative to connect them together," he told local newspapers.
Gundersen joked about having the pub send up free beer for her next party.
---------------------------------------------------
Woman Gets Beer From Her Kitchen Faucet
OSLO, Norway -- It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.
Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.
By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment "We had settled down for a cozy Saturday evening, had a nice dinner, and I was just going to clean up a little," Gundersen, 50, told The Associated Press by telephone Monday. "I turned on the kitchen faucet and beer came out."
However, Gundersen said the beer was flat and not tempting, even in a country where a half-liter (pint) can cost about 25 kroner ($3.75) in grocery stores.
Per Egil Myrvang, of the local beer distributor, said he helped bartenders reconnect the pipes by telephone.
"The water and beer pipes do touch each other, but you have to be really creative to connect them together," he told local newspapers.
Gundersen joked about having the pub send up free beer for her next party.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Never choke in a hillbilly restaurant
OK, this is really, really..... really lame. But sometimes I have momentary lapses of judgment. This would be one of those times. -- tj
--------------------------
NEVER CHOKE IN A HILLBILLY RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
--------------------------
NEVER CHOKE IN A HILLBILLY RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Monday, March 13, 2006
Eric Grohe is an artist of large life-like murals
Just amazing. Check out these "before" and "after" photos of buildings this guy has painted...... Thanks to Mark for passing this along. What a visual treat. -- tj
---------------------------
Eric Grohe is an artist of large life-like murals. He turns walls into works of art. The scale, realism and attention to detail are incredible.
Before photo - typical concrete & stucco facade
Preparing the canvas - plastering the wall surface. The wall starts to take on a 3-dimensional appearance
Eric in his element, 30' off the ground. He does most of the artwork by himself & researches, paints and designs each project from scratch. His wife Kathy, also an artist, serves as project manager.
The final product.
---------------------------
Eric Grohe is an artist of large life-like murals. He turns walls into works of art. The scale, realism and attention to detail are incredible.
Before photo - typical concrete & stucco facade
Preparing the canvas - plastering the wall surface. The wall starts to take on a 3-dimensional appearance
Eric in his element, 30' off the ground. He does most of the artwork by himself & researches, paints and designs each project from scratch. His wife Kathy, also an artist, serves as project manager.
The final product.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Three old men...
The old Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five minutes at the end."
The old Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for six hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They exclaimed, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
The old Jewish man replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
The old Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for six hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They exclaimed, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
The old Jewish man replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Friday, March 10, 2006
The Pebble Beach golfer - YDG
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one particular hole at Pebble Beach, California exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific Ocean. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, "WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again saying, "WAIT, STEP BACK AND TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited.
A long silence followed. Then the voice said: "USE THE OLD BALL."
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, "WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again saying, "WAIT, STEP BACK AND TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited.
A long silence followed. Then the voice said: "USE THE OLD BALL."
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Word scrabble
Kind of fun. -- tj
--------------------
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rerange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
--------------------
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rerange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
Sad but true......
--------------------------------------------------------------
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
--------------------------------------------------------------
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
The bravest woman in the world
A couple people have forwarded this to me. You really MUST watch this video clip. This has to be the bravest woman I have ever seen on TV. This is a recording of an interview of an amazing and courageously outspoken Arab woman on Al Jazeera a few days ago. Please watch this and pass it around for others to see. She totally gets it. If only the rest of the world was so tolerant and insightful. Incredible.... -- tj
http://switch5.castup.net/frames/20041020_MemriTV_Popup/video_480x360.asp?ai=214&ar=1050wmv&ak=null
http://switch5.castup.net/frames/20041020_MemriTV_Popup/video_480x360.asp?ai=214&ar=1050wmv&ak=null
Monday, March 06, 2006
Juggling to Beatles music
If you like the Beatles' music and you like amazing juggling, then you'll love this. If you hate the Beatles or prefer curling to juggling, then you might not like this, but then again, perhaps you might. - tj
http://marketplace.espeakers.com/movie.php?sid=5290&aid=10558
http://marketplace.espeakers.com/movie.php?sid=5290&aid=10558
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Which Group???
And they wonder why we Americans have gotten a little cynical as of late..... -- tj
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NBA OR NFL?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . .
Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
----------------------------------------------
NBA OR NFL?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . .
Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Golf Manual - YDG
For the golf fans among us. -- tj
------------------------------------------
I have just finished my new book on golf that I believe Gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information gained through years of experience. The cost is only $129.95 and can be ordered by simply sending me cash!
It's a great price due to the vast information, plus I want more time to play.
Don't wait until they're all gone !!!
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
CHAPTER 1 - HOW TO PROPERLY LINE UP YOUR FOURTH PUTT
CHAPTER 2 - HOW TO HIT A NIKE FROM THE ROUGH WHEN YOU HIT A TITELIST FROM THE TEE
CHAPTER 3 - HOW TO AVOID THE WATER WHEN YOU LIE 8 IN A BUNKER
CHAPTER 4 - HOW TO GET MORE DISTANCE OFF THE SHANK
CHAPTER 5 - WHEN TO GIVE THE RANGER THE FINGER
CHAPTER 6 - USING YOUR SHADOW ON THE GREENS TO MAXIMIZE EARNINGS
CHAPTER 7 - WHEN TO IMPLEMENT HANDICAP MANAGEMENT
CHAPTER 8 - PROPER EXCUSES FOR DRINKING BEER BEFORE 9AM
CHAPTER 9 - HOW TO RATIONALIZE A 6 HOUR ROUND
CHAPTER 10 - HOW TO FIND THE BALL THAT EVERYONE ELSE SAW GO IN THE WATER
CHAPTER 11 - WHY YOUR SPOUSE DOESN'T CARE THAT YOU BIRDIED THE 5TH
CHAPTER 12 - HOW TO LET A FOURSOME PLAY THROUGH YOUR TWOSOME
CHAPTER 13 - HOW TO RELAX WHEN YOU ARE HITTING THREE OFF THE TEE
CHAPTER 14 - WHEN TO SUGGEST MAJOR SWING CORRECTIONS TO YOUR OPPONENT
CHAPTER 15 - GOD AND THE MEANING OF THE BIRDIE-TO-BOGEY THREE PUTT
CHAPTER 16 - WHEN TO REGRIP YOUR BALL RETRIEVER
CHAPTER 17 - CAN YOU PURCHASE A BETTER GOLF GAME?
CHAPTER 18 - WHY MALE GOLFERS WILL PAY $5.00 FOR A BEER FROM THE CART GIRL AND GIVE HER A $3 TIP, BUT WILL BALK AT $3.50 AT THE 19TH HOLE AND STIFF THE BARTENDER
------------------------------------------
I have just finished my new book on golf that I believe Gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information gained through years of experience. The cost is only $129.95 and can be ordered by simply sending me cash!
It's a great price due to the vast information, plus I want more time to play.
Don't wait until they're all gone !!!
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
CHAPTER 1 - HOW TO PROPERLY LINE UP YOUR FOURTH PUTT
CHAPTER 2 - HOW TO HIT A NIKE FROM THE ROUGH WHEN YOU HIT A TITELIST FROM THE TEE
CHAPTER 3 - HOW TO AVOID THE WATER WHEN YOU LIE 8 IN A BUNKER
CHAPTER 4 - HOW TO GET MORE DISTANCE OFF THE SHANK
CHAPTER 5 - WHEN TO GIVE THE RANGER THE FINGER
CHAPTER 6 - USING YOUR SHADOW ON THE GREENS TO MAXIMIZE EARNINGS
CHAPTER 7 - WHEN TO IMPLEMENT HANDICAP MANAGEMENT
CHAPTER 8 - PROPER EXCUSES FOR DRINKING BEER BEFORE 9AM
CHAPTER 9 - HOW TO RATIONALIZE A 6 HOUR ROUND
CHAPTER 10 - HOW TO FIND THE BALL THAT EVERYONE ELSE SAW GO IN THE WATER
CHAPTER 11 - WHY YOUR SPOUSE DOESN'T CARE THAT YOU BIRDIED THE 5TH
CHAPTER 12 - HOW TO LET A FOURSOME PLAY THROUGH YOUR TWOSOME
CHAPTER 13 - HOW TO RELAX WHEN YOU ARE HITTING THREE OFF THE TEE
CHAPTER 14 - WHEN TO SUGGEST MAJOR SWING CORRECTIONS TO YOUR OPPONENT
CHAPTER 15 - GOD AND THE MEANING OF THE BIRDIE-TO-BOGEY THREE PUTT
CHAPTER 16 - WHEN TO REGRIP YOUR BALL RETRIEVER
CHAPTER 17 - CAN YOU PURCHASE A BETTER GOLF GAME?
CHAPTER 18 - WHY MALE GOLFERS WILL PAY $5.00 FOR A BEER FROM THE CART GIRL AND GIVE HER A $3 TIP, BUT WILL BALK AT $3.50 AT THE 19TH HOLE AND STIFF THE BARTENDER
Friday, March 03, 2006
Interesting Factoids
This is rather entertaining. I suspect some (perhaps many?) of these factoids are of questionable accuracy but fun just the same. Take a moment to scroll down to the very bottom paragraph and see if you can read it. Fascinating thing about the human brain. -- tj
-------------------
What's your trivia IQ?
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in theair, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, JohnHancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P'sand Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used thewhistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Don't delete the next factoid just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you Can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at CmabrigdeUinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, theolny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghitplcae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit aporbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter byistlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
-------------------
What's your trivia IQ?
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in theair, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, JohnHancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P'sand Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used thewhistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
Don't delete the next factoid just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you Can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at CmabrigdeUinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, theolny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghitplcae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit aporbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter byistlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Slightly twisted Cartoons, Act 3 - YDG
