BigZeroLittleZero

I sent something like this around before but there are several new transcript items that are new. This is hysterical. And the very last one is perhaps the best of all.  Thanks to Elys for this gem. – tj

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE #1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE #2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his Version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

By Anonymous (with thanks to David Madison)

An important news story you won’t find on CNN, FOX or NPR – nope, only on the Onion. Thanks to Roger for sharing this important environmental news story scoop. -- tj

Some of these are great, some are a bit lame. Something for everybody. - tj

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
• The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.

It’s true. Thanks to Deb for passing along this late breaking and shocking story. It’s about time. That Carter fellow was always stirring up problems for us all around the world. Thank goodness he has finally been busted. – tj

Read all about it here:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29178?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

Thanks to George for this fun one. - tj

Thanks to all of you who emailed me back Flam-o-gram emails, all pissed off because the funny punch line in the PPT slide show never came. I told you it was an inspiring story about customer service. I did not lie. And I must say, based on the tidal wave of “What the F@*&%*?” replies that I received, I can see that you are all truly warm, loving, caring souls, every one of you. I got several replies ranging from “F(*%(% YOU” to “let me tell you what REALLY happened.”

Here are my two favorite replies to my email below about Johnny, the grocery store bagger. Dale responded with:  

You didn't hear what happened? Johnny got fired after one of his notes said "Hey Lady, can I slip you a salami?" Not quite the personal service they were hoping for...

And here is Betsy’s version of events. You decide which one is closer to the truth.

And now for the rest of the story.

1.         Several elderly ladies were pricked by the pins from the floral department.  One clerk who was contaminated by the blood contracted AIDS.  She is sue-ing the store.

2.         When the lines became too long, customers began to complain about not being able to move around the frozen food section.  Subsequently, Johnny was fired.

3.         Seeking a new job, Johnny, who is also slightly dyslexic, wrote in his resume that he was a “B-e-g-g-a-r”, instead of “B-a-g-g-e-r”.  Word got out and thousands of dollars poured in to assist Johnny.  The FBI is investigating him now for mis-representation and extorting funds.    

4.         No longer able to work as a bagger or a beggar, Johnny is striving to redefine himself.  He is no longer a “Johnny”.  He is now a “John.”  Job opportunities are filling the streets

You’re all deeply twisted – all of you. And I mean that in the best way.

-          tj

OK, I know, I know, sexist and all that. But I really liked this one…. - tj

 Two blonde girls were working for the City public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to  the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard  work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

 The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the
 trees called in sick."

Honest, would I lie about this? Check it out. It really is quite wonderful – but a warning, you may want a Kleenex. Honest. :  )

http://www.simpletruths-of-service.com/?SRC=W712SERVICE&ref=64

Prepare to groan….. Blame Pam for these really bad humor bits. – tj

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The flight attendant looks at him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?" The first
replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental
medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.  After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because,"  he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.  The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.  Years later, Juan sends a picture to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to
raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they wouldn't.  He went back and
begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest,
most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very litte, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.  This made him...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Finally....there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of
the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did....

Great “out of office” messages –surely one of these has to be better than the one you’re currently using. -- tj