Thursday, June 29, 2006
New iPod: the iPod Flea
Doomsday weapon shocker
I have it on good inside information that the press newswire story below is in fact real. -- tj
-----------------------------------------
BREAKING NEWS
The Borowitz Report
June 28, 2006
U.S. THREATENS TO LAUNCH ANN COULTER TOWARDS NORTH KOREA Rabid Pundit Could Destroy Entire Korean Peninsula, U.N. Warns
In an act of retaliation for North Korean president Kim Jong-Il's plan to test a long-range missile that could reach California, the United States today threatened to launch conservative pundit Ann Coulter in the direction of North Korea.
President George W. Bush announced the plan to weaponize Ms. Coulter in a nationally televised address.
"If North Korea intends to test the most deadly weapon in its arsenal, we will have no alternative but to use the most deadly weapon in ours,"
Mr. Bush said. "And that weapon is Ann Coulter."
Mr. Bush did not indicate how and when Ms. Coulter would be fired towards Pyongyang, but most military experts believe that she has already been loaded onto a nuclear submarine and could be launched at any moment.
At the United Nations, an emergency session of the Security Council was convened to discourage the U.S. from deploying Ms. Coulter, who is seen by many in the international community as the ultimate doomsday weapon.
Fears abound that if Ms. Coulter were fired towards Pyongyang, she would spew noxious fumes that could lay waste to the entire Korean peninsula and might even destroy Japan and parts of China.
A spokesperson for Ms. Coulter today acknowledged that her client had the power to destroy large areas of Asia, but said that she was "stoked" about the mission.
"If destroying Asia will help Ann sell more books, she's up for it," the spokesperson said.
Elsewhere, a new study shows that a person using a cell phone during a thunderstorm could be struck by lightning, while a person using a cell phone during a movie should be struck by lightning.
-----------------------------------------
BREAKING NEWS
The Borowitz Report
June 28, 2006
U.S. THREATENS TO LAUNCH ANN COULTER TOWARDS NORTH KOREA Rabid Pundit Could Destroy Entire Korean Peninsula, U.N. Warns
In an act of retaliation for North Korean president Kim Jong-Il's plan to test a long-range missile that could reach California, the United States today threatened to launch conservative pundit Ann Coulter in the direction of North Korea.
President George W. Bush announced the plan to weaponize Ms. Coulter in a nationally televised address.
"If North Korea intends to test the most deadly weapon in its arsenal, we will have no alternative but to use the most deadly weapon in ours,"
Mr. Bush said. "And that weapon is Ann Coulter."
Mr. Bush did not indicate how and when Ms. Coulter would be fired towards Pyongyang, but most military experts believe that she has already been loaded onto a nuclear submarine and could be launched at any moment.
At the United Nations, an emergency session of the Security Council was convened to discourage the U.S. from deploying Ms. Coulter, who is seen by many in the international community as the ultimate doomsday weapon.
Fears abound that if Ms. Coulter were fired towards Pyongyang, she would spew noxious fumes that could lay waste to the entire Korean peninsula and might even destroy Japan and parts of China.
A spokesperson for Ms. Coulter today acknowledged that her client had the power to destroy large areas of Asia, but said that she was "stoked" about the mission.
"If destroying Asia will help Ann sell more books, she's up for it," the spokesperson said.
Elsewhere, a new study shows that a person using a cell phone during a thunderstorm could be struck by lightning, while a person using a cell phone during a movie should be struck by lightning.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
My new phone number - a true story about working with AT&T
No, I don't have a new phone number. But the attached story is a completely true story that a friend of mine sent to me and told me I could share with others. It is just one example of a person's nightmare in trying to restore their phone number when the vendor, in this case, AT&T, screwed up and accidentally cut off their phone service by mistake.
You just have to read and no, none of it is made up. If anything, it was actually worse than described. Amazingly, she tells it without the use of any "expletive-deleted" comments. -- tj
You just have to read and no, none of it is made up. If anything, it was actually worse than described. Amazingly, she tells it without the use of any "expletive-deleted" comments. -- tj
-----------------------------------------------------------
A Phone Saga
My job for the past two weeks has been to get phone service into my home. No, we don’t live in some out-of-the-way rural area, we live in a suburb of Los Angeles. Our telephone service isn’t with a tiny mom and pop operation, it’s with AT&T. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. And we weren’t trying to get new service. No, that might be hard. We were trying to get AT&T to restore our old service.
I know what you’re thinking. They needed their service restored because they are deadbeats and didn’t pay their bill. Well, you’d be very wrong. We paid out bills. On time. For over twenty years. So, what happened? Well, we had two phone lines coming into our home. One for phone service and one for the computer. We switched out computer to the cable company, so we didn’t need two lines anymore. We politely asked AT&T to cancel the unnecessary line. They politely agreed. And then they disconnected both lines.
Well, anyone can make a mistake. We called them up. We waded through their menu options. We listened to how AT&T appreciated our call and our business. We finally got a human being. They admitted their mistake. They’d fix us right up. In three to five working days, which translates into a week. Oh and, by the way, we couldn’t get our old number back. The number we’d had for over twenty years. The number all our family and friends have memorized. This development seemed wrong. Unfair. Especially since this was their fault. We pointed this out. And our saga began.
Because of our upset, we were transferred to the “escalation team.” This team is where “managers” and “specialists” exist. Managers and specialists supposedly know more than the regular phone answerers. And, at first glance, they seem to. Well, they seemed to know a little more. After many transfers and additional phone calls, they promised that a person would appear and fix the problem exactly one week after the problem began. So we waited. Patiently.
The person actually came. He did stuff. And glory be, we had dial tone! Hallelujah! My husband called our number from his cell phone. I answered. There was joy in Mudville. The week without phone service would be forgiven. An hour later the phone stopped working.
We called AT&T again. Now, I must point out here that calling AT&T was no easy task for us. We only get intermittent cell phone service at our home, so each call required driving a mile away to the nearby park or risk losing service just at a critical point in a conversation. After wading through the menu, we demanded the escalation team. We were told that we’d cancelled the work order. No, the man came. We let him in. We wanted phone service. We had phone service, for that precious hour.
Oh, they knew what the problem was. We’d transferred our service to a different carrier. No, we didn’t. We had service with AT&T and we’d like it back. Well, first we’d have to cancel the service with the new carrier. We insisted we didn’t have a new carrier. They insisted that we did. We asked who the carrier was. They didn’t know. We’d have to call our local phone company. We called the company. Interestingly enough, we discovered that we have service with (wait for it) AT&T.
We called AT&T again. Each time you call you get someone new. Karen, Marsha, Jerry, Susan, Sandra, Guillermo, etc. And they all know nothing. The new AT&T person said the first person was mistaken. We did have service with AT&T. Great. Can we get it re-restored? Absolutely. In three to five working days. And you can’t get our old number back.
So, you see the pattern starting to evolve. Each time we called, and it was at least twice daily, the new person would be dealing with an old problem. A problem that the old person had supposedly resolved. But we kept hoping and we kept calling. My husband would come back from a bout, sweaty and incoherent. I feared for his health, and I’d take over for a while. We forgave assurances that never came true. We forgave “we’ll call you right back”s that never, ever happened. And our perseverance paid off. We finally got a new date with a new assurance that a man would come and fix things, and we’d have phone service and our old number.
I called the day before to make sure he actually scheduled to appear. After talking to five different people, none of whom could find a work order or any indication that help was on the way, I was put in touch with an escalation manager specialist who, I was told, could reconnect me from her desk. I trembled with delight. I’d been at the park for over an hour. But I felt this time everything would work out. I’d be able to call my husband at our house. We’d drink champagne. Lulu came on the line. Did I know that I’d had my service transferred to a different company? Then my cell went dead. I came home, we cried and signed up with Verizon.
Except for the names of the AT&T phone people, this is, sadly, a true story.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
If Women Controlled the world
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Quote, Unquote
Don't wrangle with Rangel!!!!!
"It is wiser to remain silent and appear ignorant than to speak and remove all doubt"
"It is wiser to remain silent and appear ignorant than to speak and remove all doubt"
Saturday, June 24, 2006
POLITICS: QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The political quote of the week from March 1st. - tj
---------------------------------------
On March 1, 2006, Jamie Raskin, a professor of law at American University, was invited to Annapolis to testify at a hearing on a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriages in Maryland. At the end of Raskin's testimony, he was challenged by Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs, a supporter of the amendment, who said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?" Professor Raskin replied:
"Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."
---------------------------------------
On March 1, 2006, Jamie Raskin, a professor of law at American University, was invited to Annapolis to testify at a hearing on a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriages in Maryland. At the end of Raskin's testimony, he was challenged by Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs, a supporter of the amendment, who said: "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?" Professor Raskin replied:
"Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Things to do at Wal-Mart - YDG
Some great ideas here. I must try some of them. -- tj
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Bates,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. George Bates, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. Bates have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Carthage, MO
MEMO Re: Mr. George Bates Complaints - Things Mr. Bates has done while his wife is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched to see what would happen.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly hum ming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And, last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
----------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Bates,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. George Bates, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. Bates have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Carthage, MO
MEMO Re: Mr. George Bates Complaints - Things Mr. Bates has done while his wife is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched to see what would happen.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly hum ming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And, last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Latex Gloves
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers with all sizes of hands walk up to the tank, dip their hands in the tank, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, the patient suddenly burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers with all sizes of hands walk up to the tank, dip their hands in the tank, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, the patient suddenly burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Bush Losing Core Supporters
This just in. Thanks to Jim K for passing this along. -- tj
________________________________________
Max Udargo's Blog: Bush Losing Core Supporters
WASHINGTON,
May 11 - President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of voters who had hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically.
A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush's approval rating has fallen below 50% among total fucking morons, and now stands at 44%. This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just last December, when 62% of total fucking morons expressed support for
the president and his policies.
The current poll, conducted by phone with 1,409 total fucking morons between May 4 and May 8, reveals that only 44% of those polled believe the president is doing a good job, while 27% believe he is doing a poor job and 29% don't understand the question.
The December poll, conducted by phone with 1,530 total fucking morons, showed 62% approved of the president, 7% disapproved and 31% didn't understand the question.
Faltering approval ratings for the president among a group once thought to be a reliable source of loyal support gives Republicans one more reason to be nervous about the upcoming mid-term elections. "If we can't depend on the support of total fucking morons," says Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), "then we've got a big problem. They're a key factor in our electoral strategy, and an important part of today's Republican coalition."
"We've taken the total fucking moron vote for granted," says Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL), "and now we're paying for it. We've let the Democrats control the debate lately, and they've dragged discourse back into the realm of complex, nuanced issues. So your average total fucking moron
turns on his TV and sees his Republican Congressman arguing about Constitutional law or the complexities of state formation in the Middle East, and he tunes out. He wants to hear comforting, pandering, flattering bromides and he doesn't want to hear a logical argument more complex than what you'd find on a bumper sticker."
For Feeney, the poll is a dire warning that Republicans can ignore only at their peril. "This should send a signal that we have to regain control of the debate if we want the support of our key constituencies in the coming election and beyond. We need to bring public discourse back into the realm of stupidity and vacuity. We should be talking about homosexual illegal immigrants burning flags. We should be talking about the power of pride. We should be talking about freedom fries. These are the issues that resonate with total fucking morons."
But some total fucking morons say it's too late. Bill Snarpel of Enid, Oklahoma is a total fucking moron who voted for Bush in both 2000 and 2004. But he says he won't be voting for Bush in 2008. "I don't like it that he was going to sell our ports to the Arabs. If the Arabs own the
ports then that means they'll let all the Arabs in and then we'll all be riding camels and wearing towels on our heads. I don't want my children singing the Star Spangled Banner in Muslim."
Total fucking moron Kurt Meyer of Turlock, California also says his once solid support for Bush has collapsed. "He invaded Iraq and all those soldiers died, and for what? We destroyed all their WMDs, but now their new president is making fun of us and saying he's going to build nuclear bombs and that we can't stop him. Well, nuclear bombs are even worse than WMDs, so what did we accomplish?"
Laura McDonald, a total fucking moron from Chandler, Arizona, says she is disappointed that the president hasn't been a more forceful advocate of Christian values. "This country was founded on Christian values," she says, "but you'd never know it looking around and seeing all the Mexicans running around. I thought Bush was going to bring Jesus back into the government. Instead, Christians are being persecuted worse than ever before in history, because all these Mexicans come here and tell Christians that we have to respect their religious beliefs. So now it's illegal for children to pray in school. Soon it will be illegal for them to speak English."
Not all total fucking morons have turned their backs on the president. Jeb Larkin of Topeka, Kansas says he still fully supports Bush. "He is doing a great job. He is a great president. He is a great decider. I have a puppy. His tail sticks straight up and you can see his butthole."
And not all Republican lawmakers are concerned about the poll. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), for one, does not find it a cause for anxiety. While he agrees that his party should not take total fucking morons for granted, they "really don't have anywhere else to go. They're never going to be able to understand someone like Al Gore or John Kerry or anybody intelligent and articulate who wants to talk about substantive issues. Just try having a conversation with one of them about global warming. They'll say, 'Oh, but Rush says volcanoes consume more ozone than humans do.' I mean, they're morons! Total fucking morons!"
"They've got nowhere else to go," Alexander reaffirms with a smile, "and they always vote."
________________________________________
Max Udargo's Blog: Bush Losing Core Supporters
WASHINGTON,
May 11 - President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of voters who had hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically.
A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush's approval rating has fallen below 50% among total fucking morons, and now stands at 44%. This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just last December, when 62% of total fucking morons expressed support for
the president and his policies.
The current poll, conducted by phone with 1,409 total fucking morons between May 4 and May 8, reveals that only 44% of those polled believe the president is doing a good job, while 27% believe he is doing a poor job and 29% don't understand the question.
The December poll, conducted by phone with 1,530 total fucking morons, showed 62% approved of the president, 7% disapproved and 31% didn't understand the question.
Faltering approval ratings for the president among a group once thought to be a reliable source of loyal support gives Republicans one more reason to be nervous about the upcoming mid-term elections. "If we can't depend on the support of total fucking morons," says Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), "then we've got a big problem. They're a key factor in our electoral strategy, and an important part of today's Republican coalition."
"We've taken the total fucking moron vote for granted," says Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL), "and now we're paying for it. We've let the Democrats control the debate lately, and they've dragged discourse back into the realm of complex, nuanced issues. So your average total fucking moron
turns on his TV and sees his Republican Congressman arguing about Constitutional law or the complexities of state formation in the Middle East, and he tunes out. He wants to hear comforting, pandering, flattering bromides and he doesn't want to hear a logical argument more complex than what you'd find on a bumper sticker."
For Feeney, the poll is a dire warning that Republicans can ignore only at their peril. "This should send a signal that we have to regain control of the debate if we want the support of our key constituencies in the coming election and beyond. We need to bring public discourse back into the realm of stupidity and vacuity. We should be talking about homosexual illegal immigrants burning flags. We should be talking about the power of pride. We should be talking about freedom fries. These are the issues that resonate with total fucking morons."
But some total fucking morons say it's too late. Bill Snarpel of Enid, Oklahoma is a total fucking moron who voted for Bush in both 2000 and 2004. But he says he won't be voting for Bush in 2008. "I don't like it that he was going to sell our ports to the Arabs. If the Arabs own the
ports then that means they'll let all the Arabs in and then we'll all be riding camels and wearing towels on our heads. I don't want my children singing the Star Spangled Banner in Muslim."
Total fucking moron Kurt Meyer of Turlock, California also says his once solid support for Bush has collapsed. "He invaded Iraq and all those soldiers died, and for what? We destroyed all their WMDs, but now their new president is making fun of us and saying he's going to build nuclear bombs and that we can't stop him. Well, nuclear bombs are even worse than WMDs, so what did we accomplish?"
Laura McDonald, a total fucking moron from Chandler, Arizona, says she is disappointed that the president hasn't been a more forceful advocate of Christian values. "This country was founded on Christian values," she says, "but you'd never know it looking around and seeing all the Mexicans running around. I thought Bush was going to bring Jesus back into the government. Instead, Christians are being persecuted worse than ever before in history, because all these Mexicans come here and tell Christians that we have to respect their religious beliefs. So now it's illegal for children to pray in school. Soon it will be illegal for them to speak English."
Not all total fucking morons have turned their backs on the president. Jeb Larkin of Topeka, Kansas says he still fully supports Bush. "He is doing a great job. He is a great president. He is a great decider. I have a puppy. His tail sticks straight up and you can see his butthole."
And not all Republican lawmakers are concerned about the poll. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), for one, does not find it a cause for anxiety. While he agrees that his party should not take total fucking morons for granted, they "really don't have anywhere else to go. They're never going to be able to understand someone like Al Gore or John Kerry or anybody intelligent and articulate who wants to talk about substantive issues. Just try having a conversation with one of them about global warming. They'll say, 'Oh, but Rush says volcanoes consume more ozone than humans do.' I mean, they're morons! Total fucking morons!"
"They've got nowhere else to go," Alexander reaffirms with a smile, "and they always vote."
Sunday, June 18, 2006
The Old Lady and the Airbag video
A funny short video clip. Not sure if this is real or staged, but fun either way. - tj
http://www.zippyvideos.com/5931628461515726/old_lady_airbag/400k
http://www.zippyvideos.com/5931628461515726/old_lady_airbag/400k
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Open letter from John Cleese to the people of the United States of America - YDG
OK, so it's almost certainly not from John Cleese, but you can just hear his stodgy, formal disapproving voice in the email below. This is a hoot! -- tj
--------------------------------
Open Letter from John Cleese.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix - ize will be replaced by the suffix - ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of - ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're certainly not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese.
--------------------------------
Open Letter from John Cleese.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix - ize will be replaced by the suffix - ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of - ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're certainly not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese.
The evolution of dance...
Apparently, this is the most watched Internet download at the present time. Pretty entertaining. This guy sure has stronger knees than I do. You'll get what I mean if you watch the video. It's about 6 minutes long. Thanks to Deb for passing this one along. -- tj
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Check this out if you have not already – it’s the most watched internet download (over 28 million according to CNN).
http://www.evolutionofdance.com/
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Check this out if you have not already – it’s the most watched internet download (over 28 million according to CNN).
http://www.evolutionofdance.com/
Monday, June 12, 2006
TIGER' WOODS' NEW YACHT
OK, this is really silly. Read the text below BEFORE viewing the photo....
-- tj
-----------------------------------
Not many people know that Tiger Woods owns a yacht. Ever since the golfer Greg Norman got his big yacht, people around the world have marveled at how big it is.
Well, Tiger Woods earned a lot more money playing golf than Greg Norman, and he invested it in all the right places so he too could have a yacht.
Recently, Tiger withdrew some of his money and bought a yacht. He had it decked out to his specifications, with all the things he wanted on a yacht.
He secretly did all of this until the yacht was ready to set sail. A photographer on assignment to photograph sea turtles in the ocean happened upon the yacht during it's initial shakedown cruise, and got the very first photo of Tiger Woods yacht. This is Tiger's new yacht.
-- tj
-----------------------------------
Not many people know that Tiger Woods owns a yacht. Ever since the golfer Greg Norman got his big yacht, people around the world have marveled at how big it is.
Well, Tiger Woods earned a lot more money playing golf than Greg Norman, and he invested it in all the right places so he too could have a yacht.
Recently, Tiger withdrew some of his money and bought a yacht. He had it decked out to his specifications, with all the things he wanted on a yacht.
He secretly did all of this until the yacht was ready to set sail. A photographer on assignment to photograph sea turtles in the ocean happened upon the yacht during it's initial shakedown cruise, and got the very first photo of Tiger Woods yacht. This is Tiger's new yacht.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
The Three Stages of a Man's Life
3 pictures are worth 3,000 words. : ) -- tj
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Before Marriage
After Marriage
After The Divorce
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Before Marriage
After Marriage
After The Divorce
Friday, June 09, 2006
Worst album covers of all time
I guess you don't have to be a Southern Evangelist with a horrific hairdo to have one of the worst album covers of all time, but apparently, it helps.
How many of these classics do you recognize? (I actually recognized one of them - the album for a group called "Orleans." Scarily, I think I might have even bought that album once, about 30 years ago...)
Thanks to Kevin for passing this classic collection along. -- tj
http://home.comcast.net/~keithweinberger/wsb/media/worstalbumcovers_2_.pdf
How many of these classics do you recognize? (I actually recognized one of them - the album for a group called "Orleans." Scarily, I think I might have even bought that album once, about 30 years ago...)
Thanks to Kevin for passing this classic collection along. -- tj
http://home.comcast.net/~keithweinberger/wsb/media/worstalbumcovers_2_.pdf
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Canadian immigration
Immigrants Invade Canada
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the Exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk"
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing reeducation camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. and we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out to them."
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the Exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk"
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing reeducation camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. and we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out to them."
Did I read that sign right? - YDG
Some great signs..... -- tj
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Did I read that sign right?
In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
-----------------------------------
Did I read that sign right?
In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sunday, June 04, 2006
The Bull - YDG
OK, I have been a bit tardy on sending around any "your daily giggles" as of late. I will try to do better in the future. And that's no bull. -- tj
------------------
Upon leaving to purchase a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
"The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
"The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?
"The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big, so she'll read it very slowly, com-for-da-bul."
------------------
Upon leaving to purchase a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
"The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
"The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?
"The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big, so she'll read it very slowly, com-for-da-bul."
Friday, June 02, 2006
Bill Maher on President Bush
Not sure if this really came from Bill Maher, but it does sound like his style of commentary. Enjoy. (Thanks, Dale - loved this one.) -- tj
-------------------
Bill Maher's closing remarks on his show the other night:
"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend--you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished."
"Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or an astronaut? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't."
I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote."
"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes."
"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the budget surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side."
"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'"
-------------------
Bill Maher's closing remarks on his show the other night:
"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend--you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished."
"Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or an astronaut? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't."
I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote."
"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes."
"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the budget surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side."
"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'"
