Thursday, April 26, 2007
Kids say the darndest things
This is just the cutest little video snippet. I hope you may find it as charming as I did. Thanks to Lenny for this one. – tj
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2024037953
Alien encounter - coincidence or not?
Thanks to Debra for passing along this most fascinating tid bit of alien trivia my way. – tj
Coincidence? You decide…..
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
Good advice in case of a sudden burn from a work colleague of mine - worth reading
No, this time it’s not a humor bit.
But I received some really good advice from a good friend of mine, based on her own recent personal experience, so I thought I would pass it along in the off chance you or one of your family members ever gets a burn while cooking in the kitchen. – tj (Thanks, Elys. And I am glad you were not burned too badly!!)
Last night I accidentally burned my left hand. It is a very minor burn and I am totally fine. The reason my hand is not blistered, or red or sore is because I remembered a remedy a friend in
I share this with you in case, heaven forbid, you ever need to treat a burn or scalding. Please share this with people who have small children.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Trivial time factoid
to Jim for passing this one along. - tj
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At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year,
the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07. This will never happen again.
Friday, April 20, 2007
The sensitive man - YDG
This is hysterical and insensitive, so it could only mean one thing - it
A woman met a man in a bar. They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together. They got back to his place, and as he showed her around his apartment, she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, cuddly teddy bears. Three shelves held hundreds of teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.
It was obvious he had taken much time to arrange them and she was touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears all along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but didn
They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after a while, she found herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!"
She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He responded warmly. They continued to kiss, the passion built, and he romantically lifted her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom, where they tore off each other
The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes, and said, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
A Guide to Men's Tools
At least it is nice to know I have been using these tools properly all these years. - TJ
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Guide to Men's Tools
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "****!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog ejecta from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The homebuilder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
23. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.
*So there you have it: a complete description of the tools all men need, and occasionally use correctly.
--
Friday, April 13, 2007
Letter to Proctor and Gamble - too funny
This is hilarious and worth reading!
Subject: FW: Letter to Proctor and Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over
20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my
favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time
of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must
know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and
about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he
told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an
Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness<actual
smiling, laughing happiness<is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sund the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have
to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Wal-Mart armed with
a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just
have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the
Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,
for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though
I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute
miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will
keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Have a great day
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Enunciate, please - when good church choirs go bad
This is one of the top five funniest things I have seen on the Internet in the past year. You may hurt from laughing. This is an actual church service choir singing some legitimate choral piece. But because it is impossible to quite figure out the words they are actually singing, someone with a wonderfully wicked sense of humor decided to help us listeners out by offering suggested sub-titles for the lyrics they are singing.
I actually teared up from laughing so hard. This is, to use that overused phrase, a classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-ZnPE3G_YY
-- tj
How to get from New York City to Paris, France
This is a riot. Want directions for how to get from
1) Go to Google Maps: http://maps.google.com
2) Copy and paste this into the search:
Voila! It's just that simple. Complete instructions with every turn and every intersection, for how to get to
