Thursday, September 27, 2007

 

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

Some of these are great. Some are really, really bad. You decide which are which.  Thanks to Matt for this collection of clever one liners. - tj

 

 

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.


# posted by tj @ 6:46 AM 0 comments
 

William Tell Overture for Mothers - hysterical

This one is really creative. In three minutes, this woman describes a full day in the life of an average mother, sung to the tune of the William Tell Overture. It is really clever – and any mom (and most dads) will instantly relate. - tj

 

http://youtube.com/results?search_query=william+tell+overture+mother&search=Search

 


# posted by tj @ 6:42 AM 0 comments
 

The man and his ostrich

This one from Mark. So don’t blame me. - tj

 

 

A man walks into a restaurant in the Australian outback with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, " I'll 'ave a hamburger, fries and a coke," and  she  turns to the ostrich, "I'll  'ave the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, " I'll 'ave a hamburger, fries and a coke."  The ostrich says, "I'll  'ave the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.  This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
"No, this is Friday night, so  I'll 'ave a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.  "Same," says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be $32.62."  Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.  The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  'Ow do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and, found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in  me pocket and the right amount o v  money would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"  The man sighs, pauses and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
 


# posted by tj @ 6:36 AM 0 comments

Monday, September 24, 2007

 

A professor's last lecture

Sent to me by a good friend. Enjoy the article, but be sure to watch the short video included with the article. - tj

 

 

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html

 

Hi everyone: This is a great article I found while reading the Wall Street Journal on line this afternoon.

 

Please also play the video that is attached to this page. If you can, watch it with your family. 

What a great article and video about a 46 yr old college professor with advanced pancreatic cancer who teaches at Carnegie Mellon University..................... giving his "last lecture."


# posted by tj @ 9:17 PM 0 comments

Saturday, September 22, 2007

 

It's International Peace Day: September 21 - please watch this short video

Hello,

 

A very good friend of mine just shared with me this powerful, wonderful, inspiring video. Did you know that today, September 21st is International Peace Day? I didn’t. But now I do. International Peace Day has been officially recognized by the United Nations as a day of peace throughout the world.

 

I urge you to watch this short 3-minute video and put today’s date on your calendar for Peace Day 2008 and think about what you can do to have an impact. Here's the link to the short video that tells you about this day and how it began and what it’s trying to achieve in actual, practical terms, not just symbolic. You may have to copy and paste it into your browser:

 

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid933119042?bclid=933518996&bctid=933518995

 

This is one of the very few times I will ask you to “pass this email along to everybody you know”. Please get the word out. Thanks.

 

tj

 


# posted by tj @ 11:46 AM 0 comments

Sunday, September 16, 2007

 

Southern women

A fun one from Pam… - tj

 

An elderly Southern man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite fried chicken with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.  Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of pieces of his favorite fried chicken.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the fried chicken was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

 "Back off!" she said. "That's for the funeral!"

 


# posted by tj @ 5:15 AM 0 comments

Thursday, September 13, 2007

 

Words to live by

Words to live by. Thanks to Dale for sharing these gems. - tj

1.   There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's

2.     The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3.     I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4.     I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it and I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5.     I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6.     A sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7.     Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8.     I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9.     If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10.  I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected

11.   The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12.  If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13.  I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14.  Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15.  I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16.  Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17.  That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18.  No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19.  Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20.            How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21.  Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22.            Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23.            Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24.            Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25.            Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"


# posted by tj @ 8:06 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

 

Blonde in the snow...

Another fun one from Mark. With apologies to all you natural blondes out there. - tj

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.  She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but when he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot he was going over to Sears.


# posted by tj @ 7:12 AM 0 comments
 

NBC poll: Should Bush be impeached ? 89% of MSNBC voters say "yes"

Amazing results. Unscientific, to be sure, but staggering that it is this dramatically skewed in the “yes” column. See the most current results here:

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10562904/?polls=is_open

 

(You may have to vote in order to see the current results.) - tj

 

Do you believe President Bush's actions justify impeachment?   

 

* 547031 responses

 

 

 

 

Yes, between the secret spying, the deceptions leading to war and more, there is plenty to justify putting him on trial.
89%

 

 

 

 

No, like any president, he has made a few missteps, but nothing approaching "high crimes and misdemeanors."
4.2%

 

 

 

 

No, the man has done absolutely nothing wrong. Impeachment would just be a political lynching.
5.2%

 

 

 

 

I don't know.
1.9%

 

 


# posted by tj @ 7:11 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

 

How many Absolut bottles can you find in this picture?

OK, this is kind of addictive. How many Absolut bottles can you find? There are supposedly 82 hidden Absolut bottles, and your task is to find (and click on) as many as you can in I think roughly 85 seconds. I found 34 bottles. I am sure you can do better.

 

Thanks to Mark for passing this along to me. Good luck! - tg

 

 




Test your skills and prove that you are faster than Radu, at ABSOLUT SEARCH. It's an intriguing game where a sharp eye, lightning reflexes and a good imagination are required to beat your challenger.

There are 82 hidden bottles.
Radu found 37.
How many can you discover?
Why not find out - now.

 


# posted by tj @ 7:54 AM 0 comments

Saturday, September 08, 2007

 

The many meanings of the word "up"

This is really fascinating (to me at least) – the many different uses of the word “up.” Thanks to El for passing this one along. - tj

 

For the dictionary lover:

  

Subject: The word "UP"

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....How do non-natives
ever learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP ?,and why
are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock
UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir 
UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP
excuses

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.?? And this
up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. ? We seem
to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in
the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of
the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give
UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes
out we say it is clearing UP .? When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP,?
so ....

Time to shut UP .....!


# posted by tj @ 9:59 AM 0 comments

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