Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Beer Troubleshooting Guide
Important information you NEED to know. Please be a conscientious citizen and pass along this helpful guide. -- tj
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM - CAUSE - CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet - Glass Being held at incorrect angle. - Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet - Improper Bladder Control - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless - a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite - Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights - You have fallen over backward. - Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes - You have fallen forward - See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet - a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face - Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred - You are looking through bottom of empty glass - Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving - You are being carried out - Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark - Bar has closed - Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures - Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations - Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles - You are dancing on the table - Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear - It's water! - Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup - You're in the ladies' room - Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear - You have been in a fight - Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in - You've wandered into the wrong party - See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk - a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy - Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps - You're in a gay bar - Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted - The beer is too weak - Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song - Beer is just right - Play air guitar
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM - CAUSE - CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet - Glass Being held at incorrect angle. - Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet - Improper Bladder Control - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless - a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite - Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights - You have fallen over backward. - Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes - You have fallen forward - See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet - a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face - Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred - You are looking through bottom of empty glass - Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving - You are being carried out - Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark - Bar has closed - Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures - Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations - Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles - You are dancing on the table - Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear - It's water! - Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup - You're in the ladies' room - Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear - You have been in a fight - Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in - You've wandered into the wrong party - See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk - a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy - Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps - You're in a gay bar - Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted - The beer is too weak - Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song - Beer is just right - Play air guitar
