Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Super Bowl shocker - Steelers win is a victory in the war on Terror
Who knew? I guess I don't feel quite so bad that the Steelers won after all.... -- tj
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The Borowitz Report
2006 -- Breaking News
BUSH CALLS SUPER BOWL A VICTORY IN WAR ON TERROR
Claims Link Between Seattle QB and al-Qaeda
Moments after the Pittsburgh Steelers sealed their 21-10 victory over the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XL, President George W. Bush appeared on national television to call the Steelers' win "a great victory in the war on terror."
Mr. Bush said that the victory was a serious blow to Islamic terrorism because there was "credible intelligence" linking the Seahawks' quarterback to al-Qaeda.
The President said that a series of warrantless wiretaps conducted by the National Security Agency had revealed "troubling information" about Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. Additionally, during the game itself the NSA intercepted several radio communications between the Seahawks' offensive coordinator and Hasselbeck's helmet.
"We were able to identify Matt Hasselbeck as the number three man in al-Qaeda," Mr. Bush said. "And now he has been destroyed."
Reached in the Seahawks locker room after the game, Mr. Hasselback commented, "Well, I'm a little down, yeah, but I wouldn't say I was destroyed."
In Washington, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) expressed skepticism about Mr. Bush's claim that the Steelers' Super Bowl win represented a major victory in the war on terror. "I know the President is looking high and low for a shred of good news these days, but even for him this seems like kind of a reach," Mr. Biden said.
Asked to react to Mr. Biden's comments, Mr. Bush said he was "not surprised," adding, "That's just the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from the number five man in al-Qaeda."
Elsewhere, scientists discovered a crevice one mile deep in the face of Mick
Jagger.
---------------------------
The Borowitz Report
2006 -- Breaking News
BUSH CALLS SUPER BOWL A VICTORY IN WAR ON TERROR
Claims Link Between Seattle QB and al-Qaeda
Moments after the Pittsburgh Steelers sealed their 21-10 victory over the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XL, President George W. Bush appeared on national television to call the Steelers' win "a great victory in the war on terror."
Mr. Bush said that the victory was a serious blow to Islamic terrorism because there was "credible intelligence" linking the Seahawks' quarterback to al-Qaeda.
The President said that a series of warrantless wiretaps conducted by the National Security Agency had revealed "troubling information" about Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. Additionally, during the game itself the NSA intercepted several radio communications between the Seahawks' offensive coordinator and Hasselbeck's helmet.
"We were able to identify Matt Hasselbeck as the number three man in al-Qaeda," Mr. Bush said. "And now he has been destroyed."
Reached in the Seahawks locker room after the game, Mr. Hasselback commented, "Well, I'm a little down, yeah, but I wouldn't say I was destroyed."
In Washington, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) expressed skepticism about Mr. Bush's claim that the Steelers' Super Bowl win represented a major victory in the war on terror. "I know the President is looking high and low for a shred of good news these days, but even for him this seems like kind of a reach," Mr. Biden said.
Asked to react to Mr. Biden's comments, Mr. Bush said he was "not surprised," adding, "That's just the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from the number five man in al-Qaeda."
Elsewhere, scientists discovered a crevice one mile deep in the face of Mick
Jagger.
